If your only choices were (a) keep your mouth shut at the risk of appearing ignorant OR (b) open it and come across as a know-it-all, what would you choose? and why?

Would your answer change if you know that the person you're talking to is the kind who takes pride in being a disseminator of knowledge?

Remember my last post about the need to weed out a few poisonous 'friends' from my life, inspite of a dearth of like minded people in this city? Well, guess what, this weekend has basically made me realize that the number of friends I have in this city is exactly - drum rolls please - 1!

Let me tell you what happened. I had some dental work done late last week, which made me incapable of eating solids or holding conversations for a few days. Which also made me incapable of attending the various Diwali parties last weekend. Which also means most of my so-called 'friends' in this city were aware of my status, because of me missing out on all the social action.

And yet, not one of them thought it was necessary to ask me how I was. Nope, I'm not talking of the 'can I bring some soup for you' level of concern. Not even a 'we missed you in our gathering' expectation. All I was hoping for was a simple 'hope you're ok' kind of message - and in these days of multiple easy communication options like texting/email/facebook/twitter, how busy is really busy?

Instead, I get an email today saying 'hey, is the plan for this weekend still on?', the subtext being 'I have to find plan B if you cant make it'. I mean really? Is that why I exist? To make your weekends more enjoyable? I feel beat, going into an endless 'it must be me not them' self pity loop that's getting me down faster than this winter weather can.

Long time no post, just a brain dump.

Over the past few weeks, I have been pondering over friendships and how they are formed. I think this is because I've finally realized that I live in a city with 0% chance of bumping into someone who is at the same place in life as me. I'm not a proponent of homophily - in fact I have many friends who share a completely different lifestyle from the one I lead - some devout Catholics (who make no bones about what behavior will land me in hell :D), young uns from the university the husband attends who obsess about their assignments and their professors and of course work mates who provide interesting perspectives on child-care :D But, BUT. Between all this madness, there is a small hope in me some where, that someday I will bump into somebody where I don't have to bridge that culture gap, age gap, life-values gap ... I deserve one such friend right?

During these musings, I have also started to wonder if, despite the barren friendship hunting ground prospects, there are some people around that you just need to let go.

For example, people who say certain things to your face with the "intent" to hurt you (irrespective of whether they are successful or not - different people have different things they're touchy about). Like this woman at work I met 2yrs ago who decided that she is going to pick my dressing sense to death - "wow, didn't you wear those jeans yesterday too?", "you cannot be serious! you're wearing those flipflops to work?" and this gem "I thought I was the worst dressed in this office, after seeing you, I know I can't sink lower!". The thing is I don't pay attention to what I wear to work for a reason - I don't care about it enough! Which is why I laughed off her comments and continued being friends with her. Until one day I stopped to think: this is something SHE cares about! If somebody said the same things to her she would have been hurt! So, what does this desperate need to prove that I'm lesser say about her? about me? about the potential for us to ever be best friends?

Then there are the uber competitive people who do not seem to get the message that your life does not revolve around impressing them! Like this guy - "You're going there for vacation? I would never do that, because it has too much X and no Y". Yes well, I like X and don't care for Y, which explains why I'm not taking you along :P Or more recently, same guy says "so how does being a code-monkey at G feel? I guess you do it for the money. You haven't published any papers recently have you?" Err, dude, if my life ambition was to publish papers I wouldn't have joined the industry ok? And I'm sorry it sucks that you're poor but if you need me to be unhappy with my job to deal with your choice, I really need to re-think whether you're my friend like you insist you are.

And then there are the harmless variety of self-obsessed people who keep announcing to anybody who listens about your precious friendship and yet it is really all about them :) I have to visit them if I'm town or they'll be severely upset. God forbid if I forget sending a gift in time for their birthday but the probability of my getting even a phone call on mine is slim to none. They've just started dating this new man so we could get together for lunch and discuss the signals? But when I have an emergency these people are nowhere to be seen. I kind of accept in my mind that despite what they keep saying, we're not really great friends but it bothers me that they're such a time-sink. And there is no easy way to cut them off because in their view I am their best friend already!

In between dealing with all these useless relationships, how am I going to find those real ones?

Heat oil, add 1tsp cumin, bay leaf, cinnamon stick, black pepper, cloves, star anise, dried mace
Add chopped chillies (3), chopped garlic (3 cloves), ginger paste (1/2 tsp)
Add 1 small chopped onion, salt, saute until golden
Add 1/4 tsp turmeric, 1/2 tsp red chilli pd, 1/4tsp garam masala, 2 tbsp coriander pd
Add 2 tomato pureed, saute until oil separates
Add 2 medium potatoes peeled and chopped, 5 min
Add whole cauliflower, separated into medium sized florets
Mix well, add water, chopped fresh coriander, few drops of lime juice, bring to boil
Cook on low flame until potatoes are cooked [or pressure cook].

Should be enough for 10 servings :D

物是人非事事休
Her possessions are here, but her essence is gone: everything has ceased.

- Li Qingzhao

There is no such thing as an uninteresting life.

--Rohinton Mistry, A Fine Balance

The book affected me so deeply, I want to say so much about it. But I'll limit myself to repeating that line.

There is really no such thing as an uninteresting life. Just because somebody doesn't have brain tumor does not make their life uninteresting. Just because somebody did not win an Oscar or a Booker does not make their life uninteresting. Just because somebody did not lose their family tragically does not make their life uninteresting. Just because somebody chooses not have kids does not make their life uninteresting. Just because somebody does not travel for fun does not make their life uninteresting. Just because somebody is not training for a marathon does not make their life uninteresting. Just because somebody does not watch foriegn movies does not make their life uninteresting. Just because somebody does not do voluntary work does not make their life uninteresting. Just because somebody does not take up a new activity every week to while away their personal time does not make their life uninteresting. So who are YOU to tell anybody to get a life?

The internets and the search engines have failed me. Can somebody remember who is the male model playing Shibani's LI in the 90's song "Ho Gayi Hai Mohabbat"? You know this one?

The one message that I heard again and again at Grace Hopper was: Get a PHD, if only for the instant credibility it gives you. I thought this was good advice. Most people I work with have PHDs and I admit to subconsciously treating like they know what they're talking about [until they prove otherwise but that's rare - not because they have a PHD per se - but perhaps because they wouldn't have been hired if they weren't smart]. On the other hand the MS (and BS) folks need to earn their credibility. And what about the numerous times I've felt so small, not knowing what to talk about an obscure topic?

But after I came back, I got thinking. Do we ever feel comfortable with our achievements? Or do we ever stop looking up, at one level higher, to compare, to downplay oneself? Like a co-worker (with a PHD) told me once - "I applied to universities and was rejected everywhere, I had to join the industry". And what about those that do get into academia? Do they go - "I got into Tufts all right but wish I was smart enough to have MIT or Berkeley after me, like that other guy I know"? And does the MIT prof think - "I showed such promise in school - and I'm still stuck here doing mediocre research. I thought I was a genius but would I ever get a Turing ..."?

But the biggest take away for me from GHC was: it's OK to feel small sometimes. OK to have the butterflies when you start something new. And hearing women who've been in this field for as long as they've been say this was huge! I mean, one thing about this industry is that it's hard to find many people (forget just women) who've been here long enough to have a "career" and be a role model young women could aspire to. To see these 40+ aged women CTOs and VPs sharing their journeys, the paths they took, the hurdles they faced was truly inspirational.

Lookee what I found digging through photo archives:

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